


Twelve Steps To Boddice Ripping

by Merrov



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Alternate Canon, Crack, Humor, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-16
Updated: 2010-09-16
Packaged: 2017-10-11 21:25:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/117288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merrov/pseuds/Merrov
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Leeeemoooons!" Rodney howled, unsure if he was laughing or having a panic attack.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Twelve Steps To Boddice Ripping

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Atlantis_Jackson](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Atlantis_Jackson/gifts).



> This crazy thing is full of inside jokes for fawkesielady_ed, who loves pining! Fics, first times, and Markham/Stackhouse. It's hopefully just as enjoyable for others, too. HUGE thanks to Anais for writing Dr. Jackson's Diary, because really, without that, this would not have ever come about in this form.

Rodney didn't even bother ringing the chime. He just opened the door and flounced over to the couch, flopping down on it with a heavy sigh. Neither Jason Markham nor Nate Stackhouse were surprised by his actions. Sitting on the bed, Stackhouse didn't even look up from his book, and Markham only gave him a cursory glare as he adjusted his position on the couch, moving a little farther away and then going back to typing up his mission report. The room was silent for a while before Rodney finally gave in. "He's oblivious," Rodney moaned.

Markham sighed, hitting save on the mission report before turning to look at Rodney. "Have you even given him a good hint yet?"

"I've been flirting with him for ages now. It's not working. Are you sure he's not straight?" Rodney glared back.

On the bed, Stackhouse laughed and put down his book, "Sheppard? Straight? We've been over this, McKay. That man is gayer than a three dollar bill."

"Well how am I supposed to get him to notice me?" Rodney moaned.

"Come on, McKay, start thinking in terms of bodice ripping here," Stackhouse threw his book at Rodney.

"What?" Rodney was startled, nearly dropping the book. Beside him on the couch, Markham snorted. "Have you been hitting the bottle again, Nate?"

"No, I'm on night patrol, so no drinks for me," Stackhouse looked sad about that for a moment, then brightened, a shit eating grin spread across his face. "It's all in there, Rodney. It could be like your self help book. Twelve Steps To Bodice Ripping."

Rodney looked down at the title, still utterly bewildered. Seeing the picture on the front, he did a double take, then glared at Stackhouse. "You're reading soft core romance novels? THIS is what you brought back from your last time on Earth?" He turned to Markham, "and you LET him?"

Markham rolled his eyes, setting his laptop on the table in front of the couch, "you try telling Nate no and see how far you get."

Stackhouse rolled off the bed and joined them, sitting sideways in Markham's lap, one arm around his shoulders. He was still grinning at Rodney. "The man in that book is totally oblivious to the woman's affections," he explained. Markham's arms wrapped around Stackhouse's waist as his lover spoke. "She tries everything before finally giving up and just going to him, ripping off all her clothes and saying 'take me, I'm yours.'"

"I am NOT taking the advice of you or your trashy novels!" Highly affronted, Rodney threw the book back at him, "why do I talk to you about this again?"

"Because we caught you staring at Sheppard's ass-" Stackhouse started.

"Hands," Markham added.

"Crotch."

"Chest."

"-mouth in the jumper-" Stackhouse continued.

"Mess," Markham added.

"Showers."

"Ops."

"-briefing room," Stackhouse finished.

"Face it, Rodney," Markham laughed, "You really had no choice but to talk to us."

Rodney sighed and took the book back from Stackhouse. "I'm still not using the plot of a Jennifer De Courcey novel as advice on how to get his attention."

oOo

Three weeks later was another trade mission. They'd been trading for food that included items of citrus- CITRUS- fruit. Sheppard had once again not seen it coming and had been hit on by the chief's daughter, son, and wife. Stackhouse's team, as the original first contact team for this particular planet, had been invited back for the trade agreement festivities, which included citrus free ale (Rodney had made John check), a huge (mostly) citrus free feast, dancing, music, and, by the end, an obligatory over-night stay, because no one wanted to experience gate travel while smashed. Besides, no one could fly the Jumper in a straight line to save their life. Highly stupid, John later admitted, but utterly hilarious at the time.

The villagers offered them rooms for the night, and Stackhouse, stumbling and laughing the whole way, pushed Rodney down the hall by his shoulders. "Did recon a bit ago," he explained as they went. "He's in that one. Think Ron… Ronon and Teyla are, ummm, oh, they're across the hall."

"Do you even KNOW how much lemon was in that noodle dish?" Rodney complained, not paying much attention to Nate's drunken blatherings. "There was far too much lemon."

"Hey! I'm trying to lead you to the room of the man of your dreams!"

 

"Excuse me?! I could have died out there! LEMONS!" Rodney dug in his heels and they staggered to a swaying stop in the middle of the hallway.

"Rod-ney!"

"Leeeemoooons!" Rodney howled, unsure if he was laughing or having a panic attack.

"Hey!" A voice made them both look sideways, and there was Sheppard in his boxers and dog tags, standing in the doorway of one of the rooms. "Could we maybe keep it down out here?" He squinted, then seemed to remember what he was going to say. "Stackhouse, are you accosting my scientist?"

"No, sir!" Nate laughed, "just trying to show Rodney to his room. Oh, hey, there it is!" He yanked Rodney sideways, shoving him towards Sheppard, who really had no choice but to grab him so he wouldn't careen into the wall.

Startled, Rodney stared at John's face from inches away, his hands against John's warm chest.

"Have a good night, kiddies!" Stackhouse waved before staggering further down the hall to his own room.

oOo

After the hangovers lifted the next day and everyone (and the evil death fruits) had made it to Atlantis safe and sound, Markham and Stackhouse caught Rodney on the way to his labs. Pulling him out onto one of the balconies, they stared at him expectantly.

"What?" Rodney asked, exasperated. "Did you think I was just going to jump him last night? We were both drunk!"

"Exactly!" Nate groaned. "That's exactly when you should have done it, Rodney. That way if it's a horrible mistake, you can both blame it on the alcohol and move on. But if it's not, then you'd have had hot drunken offworld sex and then could have followed it up tonight with slow, lazy fucking at home."

Rodney stared from one of them to the other, expression surprised, then angry. "Shit."

"There's still the Bodice Ripper approach," Jason teased, eyebrows wiggling.

oOo

"You have been nursing this crush for three years now, Rodney!" Nate groaned as he passed the popcorn sideways to Rodney. Jason reached across Nate's chest for one last handful as Rodney took the bowl. The three of them were on Markham and Stackhouse's couch, watching Dr. Who on Nate's laptop. "If you don't do something soon, I'll tell him myself."

"Ah, can't do that, Tigger," Jason reminded him. "You can't ask or tell him, remember?"

"Tigger?" Rodney snickered.

Nate rested his head on Jason's shoulder. "Stupid regs. You and I are going to grow old and die before Meredith ever gets around to telling him." Beside him, Rodney sputtered, but took the hint.

"Rodney, you're going to have to take drastic measures or just give up," Jason said a while later. "There's only so often that Nate or I can put the two of you in a potentially compromising situation."

"I get it, I blew it on that trade mission, you don't have to keep reminding me," Rodney snapped. "Oh, I didn't realize Barrowman's in this episode." He sat forward a little, eyes fixed on the screen.

Beside him, Nate smirked.

oOo

Rodney and John explored the outer sections of the city once a week, fate of the galaxy permitting. Today found them out on the west pier. Rodney was hoping for a new lab full of interesting gadgets, but instead the section seemed to be family living quarters, for the most part. John seemed a little twitchy as they walked along, peering into rooms, and finally, Rodney had enough of it.

"What," he asked, stopping and turning to look at the Colonel, "has got you so twitchy? You're looking over your shoulder every five seconds."

"I am not, Rodney," John denied. "It just feels like someone is following us."

"Well what does your little life signs detector say about that?" Rodney crossed his arms, working hard to keep his eyes off of John's mouth.

John looked a little embarrassed. "I didn't bring it." At Rodney's incredulous look, John shrugged. "I got a little distracted. Besides, no one's out this far."

"But you just said you felt like someone was following us."

"Rod-ney," he whined, rolling his eyes, "just drop it, will you?"

"I'm just saying, Mr. Paranoia got distracted enough that he didn't bring his life signs detector? Now I'm worried," Rodney teased, turning and opening another door.

"That's Colonel Paranoia to you, McKay."

Four boring rooms later, John was vindicated. The living quarters door slid shut behind them, and Rodney couldn't get it open. "What's wrong with it?" John asked for the fourth time.

"I just said, I don't know!" Rodney snarled, giving up on the control panel. "I'll call Radek down here, get him to try it from his side.

As he reached for his radio, it crackled to life. "Hey, Rodney," Stackhouse's voice sounded in his ear.

"Busy! I have to call Radek." Rodney moved to click the radio, but Stackhouse spoke again.

"Oh, no need. I'm right outside the door. And since you're both off duty, and I'm off duty, I don't have to let you out yet." Rodney turned away from Sheppard so that he wouldn't see his face turn red as Nate continued. "I've locked you in there with him. I'll let you out if there's an emergency, but other than that, I'm not unlocking this door until you've told him."

Rodney wanted to argue, had so many things he could say, but John was right there, not ten feet away from him.

"I don't care how you do it, Rodney, but it needs to be done. He may be oblivious, but he's not blind. Go for it." With those cheerful last words, Nate signed off.

Rodney thunked his head against the door and sighed.

"What's up, McKay?" John asked from behind him.

Rodney turned to see John leaning his hip on the back of a chair, arms crossed. He was drawing a complete blank as far as what to say, and he kept having to jerk his wandering gaze back up to John's face. John raised an eyebrow at him.

"Bodice ripper!" Stackhouse's voice reminded him again, and Rodney reached up, turned off the radio and pulled it from his ear.

"Fine, fine, FINE," he yelled back at the door, much to John's confusion. Turning back towards John, Rodney shrugged off his jacket, then reached for the hem of his shirt.

"Rodney?" John's voice was a little quieter than usual as he watched Rodney pull off his shirt and move towards him.

"Did you see this one coming, John?" Rodney asked, and before he could lose his nerve, he grabbed John by his tac vest and pulled him close, their mouths coming together in a firm kiss. John was stiff and surprised for a second, two, and Rodney was just about to let him go and freak out when John slid his hands around Rodney's waist and kissed him back.

Rodney was so surprised that he pulled away and stared at John, eyes wide. "What?" John asked, a little breathlessly.

"You… you kissed me back," Rodney answered, an astonished expression on his face.

"Well, yeah, Rodney, isn't that what someone's supposed to do in this situation?"

John had kissed him back. John hadn't rejected him, and still Rodney was freaking out. He pulled his shirt on and banged on the door. "STACKHOUSE! Open this door right now!"

"Stackhouse is out there?" John asked. "So we were being followed? And what does he… oh." It looked like the pieces of a puzzle were falling together in John's mind, and Rodney banged on the door again.

Finally, it opened. Rodney grabbed his jacket and radio and shouldered past Stackhouse and down the hall. Nate trotted after him, and they left Sheppard, who was still a little confused, behind.

oOo

"I'm not speaking to you." Rodney informed Nate when he blew through their door that evening. "I'm never speaking to you again after- Oh, god, seriously?!"

"RODNEY!" Jason yelled, yanking the covers up over himself and Nate. Rodney spun around, the image of Jason's ass moving as he thrust into Nate was going to be burned into his brain forever. It didn't help that Markham really did have a great ass. "There's a damn chime on the door for a reason! You should learn to use it."

"Why aren't you speaking to me?" Nate asked, sitting up against the headboard.

"You locked John and I in a room this afternoon!" Rodney felt stupid shouting at the wall. A quick glance told him that both men were covered, so he turned and glared at them.

"You what?" Jason asked, but Nate waved at him dismissively.

"It worked, didn't it?" Nate asked him.

"I outed myself to him and he kissed me back, yeah, but…"

"Daniel had to make the first move on him too, you know." Markham spoke up.

"Wait, what? Daniel JACKSON?" Rodney's day was just full of surprises. "When was this?"

"A few times, actually," Nate spoke up. "Before we left Earth the first time, then both times he visited Atlantis…"

"Well, we think they fucked during Daniel's first visit, but we don't know for sure," Markham conceded.

"And you let me think I stood a chance?" Rodney yelled. "Thanks a lot, guys."

"Of course you have a chance! He kissed you back, didn't he?"

"I think you and I need to have that 'boundaries' talk again, Tigger," Markham smiled affectionately at his lover.

"Psh, boundaries," Nate leaned over and kissed Jason's shoulder. Rodney gaped at them. He had nothing to say to that. Turning on his heel, he left.

oOo

"Rodney, why are you looking at me like that?"

Rodney snapped out of his daze, realizing he'd been staring at John again. "Hm? Like what?"

"I don't know," John said slowly, like he wasn't talking to the greatest mind in two galaxies, "like you were. Staring at me."

 

"I wasn't staring," Rodney deliberately turned back to his computer. It was late, and Rodney had no idea why John was insisting on hanging around the labs. "Shouldn't you be off to bed like a good Colonel?" It was making him nervous, how much John had hung around the past week. Ever since Stackhouse had locked them in a room, in fact.

"Well, shouldn't you be in bed yourself? Like a good scientist? Everybody else left ages ago." From the corner of his eye, Rodney watched John pace the lab again, poking at various bits of equipment, staring at the whiteboards, and generally loitering.

"Daniel Jackson?" The name popped out before he could really think about it. John froze.

"What? What about him?"

"Oh my god, you DID!" Rodney hadn't really believed Markham and Stackhouse until he saw the look on John's face.

"Rod-ney," John sighed and rubbed his forehead. "Does it matter?"

"I would think it matters!" Rodney could tell John didn't want to talk about it, but now he had to know. "What was that about? I didn't even know you were-"

John cut him off with a sharp look. "Hey, enough already, McKay. It didn't mean anything, and I don't really have to explain it to you anyway."

Rodney closed his mouth. John had a point, and it wasn't like they were… well, anything besides friends. Neither of them had talked about that kiss at all. But now Rodney had brought up a subject that had them both thinking about it. It hung between them like an elephant in the room. He tried to get back to his current equations, but the atmosphere was too awkward, and the numbers just weren't making sense.

"I'll see you later, McKay," John said as he turned towards the door. He made his escape before Rodney could think of anything to say.

An hour later, Rodney finally admitted defeat. He wasn't going to get anything productive done, and if his mind was going to buzz away on useless thoughts, he could do that in the comfort of his bed instead of aggravating his back sitting at the lab bench. He didn't bother turning the lights on in his quarters. He just kicked off his shoes and made his way towards the bathroom. Something caught his eye and he turned just in time to see a figure stand up from his desk chair. "What the hell?!" he jumped back, startled.

"Rodney! It's just me, buddy. Sorry." John snickered a little.

"Yes, thank you. Give me a heart attack why don't you? And what are you doing here? How did you get in?" Rodney folded his arms as John came around the side of his desk.

"I asked Atlantis nicely and the door opened," John shrugged. Now that his eyes had adjusted, Rodney could make him out blurrily by the moonlight coming through his window. John stopped when he was directly in front of Rodney. "I think we need to have a talk."

"It couldn't wait until tomorrow?"

"No, Rodney, it couldn't," John replied. The next thing Rodney knew, John's hands were on the sides of his head and John was kissing him. Almost before he had time to react, to kiss him back, John let him go and backed up a little.

"Oh," Rodney said intelligently.

"Yeah," John sighed.

"Again?" Rodney asked hopefully. John laughed and leaned in again.

Somehow, they ended up on the bed. Rodney was still a little fuzzy on the details, but they were both naked, and John was above him, his dog tags glinting in the moonlight as he leaned over Rodney. The kisses were getting hotter, more passionate, and Rodney let his hands glide around John's back. John groaned into his mouth and ground his hips down against Rodney, who arched up at the wonderful feel of an erection sliding against his own. He'd wanted this for so long, and now that it was actually happening, Rodney kept expecting to wake up.

"Wanted this," John whispered, his mouth doing delightful things to Rodney's neck. "Didn't think you felt the same." His hands traced down to Rodney's hip as he lay down beside him, pulling Rodney so they were facing each other again.

"You mean," Rodney gasped as John's hand left his hip and found his cock. "You mean we could have been- oh god, don't stop- could have done this a long time agoooh, fuck, John!" John's hand moved slowly, his thumb gliding over the head of Rodney's dick before sliding back down to the base. Rodney's hips were moving, thrusting into John's hand. Rodney's hands found John's ass and he squeezed. Leaning forward, his mouth found John's collarbone.

John laughed softly, breathed, "yeah, _Rodney_ ," and jerked his hips forward. He paused his stroking for a moment, just long enough to line their cocks up and wrap his hand around both of them.

Rodney moaned and threw his head back at the feel of John's cock pressed against his own, John's hand stroking them together. There was no way this was going to last, no way Rodney could draw this out. He'd wanted it for too long. "John…" he found John's mouth again, kissed him hard, sliding his tongue against John's lower lip. With a soft groan, John's mouth opened.

Their mouths sliding together, tongues learning every detail of each other as John's hand moved between them was enough, Rodney gasped as his balls tightened and he came hard. The sudden heat and slick slide made John kiss him harder, small, breathy sounds rising from his throat. A few strokes later, he shuddered, and Rodney felt fresh heat and wetness between them as John's orgasm took him.

The two men lay there, staring at each other and gasping, for a few minutes. Finally, John smiled, maybe a little nervously. "Good?" he asked.

Rodney nodded, still unable to speak. He wasn't sure if he was going to kill Stackhouse (and Markham too) later, or thank them. Finally, his higher brain functions kicked back in. "Oh, yeah."

John eventually moved, grabbed a towel from the bathroom and cleaned them up a little, before collapsing back into bed beside Rodney. He pulled the blankets up over the both of them, and pulled Rodney close. "How long have you…"

Rodney snorted, "practically forever, I think. You?"

John sighed. "About the same," he answered.

Rodney sat up, "ok, how is it possible that we were _both_ oblivious?" It was ridiculous. Considering the amount of time Rodney had spent staring at John over the years, he'd thought he'd have picked up on something like John staring at him in return.

John pulled him back down and wrapped his arms around him, burying his nose in Rodney's neck. "Doesn't matter right now. We're here, that's what counts, Rodney."

Cuddled into the warmth and arms of John Sheppard, Rodney couldn't really disagree.

oOo

Rodney was late to breakfast. Jason glanced up, took one look at him and grinned, poking Nate in the side to get his attention. "What, Hobbes?" Nate looked up from his food, followed Jason's gaze to Rodney, and laughed. "You look like you got laid, my friend!"

Rodney sat down across from them. "I'm not saying that it was because of anything the two of you did."

"You finally kissed him after Nate locked the two of you in a room together. I think that counts as a success in our favor," Jason smiled. "We knew it would happen, but damn the two of you are stubborn asses."

Nate nodded serenely. Rodney's eyes widened. He looked back and forth between his friends, the light clicking on. "You knew how he felt?"

"Of course we did!" Nate laughed. "We've caught him staring at your ass-"

"Hands," Markham added.

"Crotch."

"Chest."

"-mouth in the jumper-" Stackhouse continued.

"Mess," Markham added.

"Showers."

"Ops."

"-briefing room," Stackhouse finished.

It was one of the very few times in Rodney's life when he could not think of a single thing to say.

Nate sat back, smirking triumphantly. "I told you the bodice ripper approach would work."


End file.
